Learn how to strengthen your resiliency muscle

Resilient people are made, not born. There isn't a gene or a personality trait for resiliency. It's a skill you can practice and strengthen, just as you would a muscle. Becoming more resilient is something you can develop at any age or phase of life.

This, not that: Recognizing resiliency

Resilience is the ability to adapt to difficulties and challenges and manage their impact on your life. Resilience is how you withstand adversity, bounce back and even prevent or pre-empt adversity.

Think of a rumble strip on the highway. When your tires hit the strip, there's a rumble signaling you to take action to get back on the road. The rumble strip is an example of resilience. It alerts you to a stressor so you can correct course and recover.

Resilience is not keeping your head down, powering through and stuffing away your emotions. It's not ignoring or pretending not to be affected by the messiness of life.

Instead, resilience is responding positively to help you move forward.

Overcoming negativity

Part of resiliency is finding the positive in the negative. For example, someone may have suffered a terrible accident and been told they will never walk again. That could be an overwhelming negative. Resilience can help them find that little kernel of positivity and act on it, such as joining a wheelchair basketball team or advocating for people with disabilities.

This isn't easy. The human brain is hardwired toward negativity. Throughout our evolution, humans have needed to pay attention to threats to ensure survival. Fast-forward to today. People no longer have to worry about being eaten by saber-toothed tigers; but now, there are everyday life stresses that they fear. The fight-or-flight switch is stuck in the on position, which makes negativity the default mode.

Training your brain toward positivity

Increasing awareness of when you're stuck in negativity can be incredibly powerful. Awareness allows you to stop, intervene and focus on a more positive path. That's how you develop and strengthen your resiliency.

Seven strategies to cultivate and focus on the positive are to:

1. Identify three good things at the beginning or end of your day.

These don't have to be huge. For most people, positive events are in the low- to moderate-size range, like running into a friend at the store, finding a forgotten dollar in a pocket or learning that the weird noise in your car only required a quick and inexpensive fix.

What matters isn't the intensity of positive experiences; it's the frequency of recognizing them. This exercise helps train our brains to pay more attention to the positive. Try identifying three good things every day for two weeks, and you'll automatically begin recognizing those positive kernels.

2. Practice gratitude.

Ask yourself, "Who or what am I grateful for?" Once again, this is more than just big things because it's easy to forget all the small things you appreciate.

A study conducted among nuns asked them to count their blessings rather than burdens. They were divided into two groups. One kept a daily journal of their blessings; the other was the control group. Researchers found that the nuns who expressed more gratitude lived up to a decade longer than those in the control group.

To practice this resiliency skill, regularly jot down what you're grateful for or send someone a gratitude letter, email or text.

3. Try something different.

Your brain loves novelty and the new. Notice the new playground equipment at the park or take a different route to the store. At the store, pick up an item you've never tried before.

4. Spend time in nature.

Nature is full of novelty. Notice the beauty around you: what's in the sky above, the bark patterns on a tree and how light streams through clouds after a storm. Try spending five minutes outdoors and mentally noting what you see, smell, hear and feel.

5. Focus on what you can control.

You're stuck in traffic. There's nothing you can do about the fender bender that just happened ahead of you. Do you get all worked up? Or do you take deep breaths to tamp down the stress and evaluate the situation? Are you in danger? No. Are you going to miss a flight? Probably not. Is there an exit ahead you can take? Yes. Is this a tragedy or an inconvenience? Inconvenience. Will this matter 10 days from now? No.

Focus on what you can control: your reaction to the situation.

6. Foster relationships.

Relationships are essential to resiliency. You can connect with different people for different reasons. You choose who is in your tribe and why. It's these people who you value and who value you. They're the ones who will be there for you when faced with the challenges of life, both large and small.

7. Be mindful.

Mindfulness is focusing on the moment and paying attention. But being mindful is tough. The brain is easily hijacked from the now by thoughts of the past and future and judgmental thoughts about ourselves and others.

The next time you're in a conversation and your mind starts wandering off to what you'll say in response, pull your attention back to the speaker.    

Passing along the resiliency 'gene'

You don't need to tackle all these strategies at once. Pick one and play around with it.

Strengthening your resiliency muscle is a journey. Working on this skill throughout your life can help you grow. It's also a skill you can teach children and set them up to be more resilient as they face the ups and downs of life.

Rosean Bishop, Ph.D., is a psychologist in Psychiatry & Psychology in Mankato, Minnesota.